Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Randomize
