I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
