I faked an abortion last night.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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