So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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