During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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