I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
