Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He shit in the fireplace
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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