weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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