Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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