Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
