smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
