Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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