When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
