you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
