the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
