god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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