dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
