She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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