i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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