It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
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