I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize