Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
