I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
