hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
