I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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