Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
