last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
