i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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