There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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