How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
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