fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
