yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
