he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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