Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
