i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
