Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
