Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
