dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
