It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
