I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
