porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
whose parrot is this?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
