And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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