You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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