My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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