Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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