So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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