I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
50% drunk capacity currently
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
