You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
