In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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