I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
