Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
