I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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